the kewlest squinoa evR 111212oneoneone
by bwilbur
Summary: The most emotion felt Squinoa you'll EVER read. EVER. It is a definitve tear jerker... if you're a wuss that actually liked FFVIII. Or, it would make you laugh if hate barf-inducing Squinoas. Sit back, relax, and don't forget your hardhat.
1. Chapter Oneizzle

**BIGASS A/N – SKIP IT IF YOU REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT, BUT THE WHOLE ESSENSE OF THIS STORY IS TO GET MY OPINIONS ACROSS**

The first thing you need to know about me is that I'm a BIG Quall fan. Hell, I would _fuck_ a Quall if I were able to. The reason why I'm a Quall fan is because Quistis gets a very nominal role in FFVIII and her angst is overlooked. Yes, angst. Not Eikothe6yearoldloveszidane angst, but realistic angst. One with half a brain should be able to realize this, but clearly, some hardheaded fanfic writers/readers just can't put one and one together.

Another reason I love Qualls is because I hate Rinoa. Rinoa is complacent and naïve. Complacent in the fact that she thought (in disc 1) that she could walk up to the goddamn sorceress and give her some damned pendant. Wow, she's so fucking bright, huh? And naïve, because… well, why would someone like Rinoa be attracted to someone like Squall? Besides the fact that he may be attractive, but other than that, it just doesn't work. Rinoa's personality clashes with Squall's. Thank god they're only 17 – when they get older, it's obvious that their relationship won't survive. Even the reasons why Squall fell for Rinoa are sketchy. Squall, up until Rinoa supposedly 'dies,' regarded Rinoa as he regarded Selphie or Zell. Then, all of a sudden, he gets all whiny over Rinoa, even thought they've probably known each other for what, a month? I really can't accentuate enough on how the relationship would NEVER last. What pissed me off even more is all the mushy mumbo-jumbo Squall coaxed Rinoa with. "I'll always be your knight." What the fuck? You're a goddamn teenager – stop talking with your fucking dick and use your head.

Despite what you may think about what you've read above, I respect each and every Squinoa writer and reader. Most of them are mature enough not to get in the way of my own beliefs for whatever reason they may like Squall and Rinoa as a couple, but some reader's/writer's comments just are unbelievable. For example:

_Squall and Rinoa are already a couple, what's the point in writing about Quistis and Squall together when they know it would never happen? _– it's called fanfiction, hon. Quistis and Seifer showed no sort of interest in each other and had very little interaction with each other, but what do you see flooding the FFVIII fanfic page? Quifers. If fanfiction had to be based solely on the damned storyline of FFVIII, then, honestly, who the fuck would read out of it? Jesus.

_Quistis already said she didn't really love Squall and Squall doesn't love Quistis _– The first comment is bullshit. Quistis may have said her love to Squall was 'sisterly,' but is there a reason why good ol' Instructor Trepe _can't_ lie? Quistis already realized the latter comment, and that was why she said that shit in the orphanage. Squall may not appear to like Quistis in the game, but there are umpteen subtle hints in the game that can lead to a great Quall. Besides, what IS the point of reading a fic stressing Squall and Rinoa's love when the game already depicts it in an already overly cheesy fashion? I guess some people don't have a goddamn imagination and are easily amused.

I'd be satisfied by just publishing my A/N, but since the FF.net rules are to write stories and the like, I guess I'll write a Squinoa. Keep in mind I have better things to do than read Squinoas, and basically the following story is just what I think any given, cliché Squinoa would be like. Enjoy. Who knows, maybe both anti-Squinoa AND Squinoa fans will like it. Or maybe everyone will hate it. But hey, I'll have a grand old time poking fun at people who poke fun at me. Keep in mind that I wrote this halfassedly, only trying to bring up dry humor here and there.****

_________________

Squall Leonhart decided, from the influence of television and mushy romance novels, that he would write Rinoa Heartily a love letter. His gauche judgment was excusable, however, since what hormone driven boy didn't feel the need to impress a girl, even if he embarrassed himself in the process? 

Needless to say, he did feel a nagging voice in the back of his head give him doubts.

"No, Squall, you're too timid! She loves you, and I need to show her how much I love her!!!!!" Squall exclaimed to himself. "No more crazy, antisocial Squall!"

Squall, of course, blinded by infatuation, couldn't see the burning irony in his comment. He began writing.

_To my queen and my one true love,_

_You make my heart flutter like a dove._

_I don't know how to express myself when I'm crazy for you,_

_The mere thought of you will not do._

_Kiss me like I want you to so badly_

_And I'll kiss you back very madly._

_My hearts is yours,_

_But it's covered in sores_

_So can you heal it?_

_And make it all fit? …To love you._

Squall read over the poem, and, satisfied with it, penned his name in frilly cursive and drew a lumpy heart next to his signature. Squall got out a florid envelope used to mail-in SeeD acceptance forms and put his love letter in it.

_Those envelopes are expensive, but my love for Rinoa is priceless. _Squall thought to himself. _…Damn, I love her so much…_

Squall headed to the cafeteria, in search of his soon-to-be-lover.

_________________

Rinoa read the poem and her smile broadened after finishing each other line. After finishing the poem, she looked up to Squall, who was eyeing her anxiously. For some reason or another, Squall didn't think a teenage girl like Rinoa wouldn't be completely flattered when a guy sends her a boyband-esque love letter. 

She jumped into his arms, and embraced him tightly, squealing into his shoulder. 

"SQUALL I LOVE YOU!!!!" she chirped loudly, in a valid attempt into getting everyone in the cafeteria's attention. Everyone watched Rinoa slobber over Squall's cheap leather jacket.

"I-I love you too…" Squall replied lamely. The whole cafeteria continued staring, bemused. Pindropping silence filled the cafeteria. 

Rinoa, pretending to notice everyone watching for the first time, took a peak above Squall's shoulder. 

"Squall, I think we need some…" she glared. "…Privacy," she remarked loudly. Squall, feeling unusually numb, nodded and they walked out of the cafeteria. 

From the hallway, Squall could swear he heard laughter coming from the Cafeteria.

_________________

The couple entered Squall's dormitory. Rinoa turned to him and frowned.

"Squall…"

"Yes?"

"This is my first time," Rinoa sprawled onto Squall's bed.

"What…?"

"It's my first time…"

"First time what?" Squall didn't understand what Rinoa was getting to. No, really, he _didn't_ know what Rinoa was getting to.

"You know… sex…?"

Squall froze. _Sex?_ Squall, in all honesty, didn't know how to have sex. 

"Well, I've watched Paris Hilton's sex tape and all, so I think I know how to do 'it,'" Rinoa offered Squall a grin. Squall stayed rooted to the spot. "Oh c'mon Squall, don't resist! I know your Gunblade is excited at the thought.

"My Gunblade?" Squall stared. "I… My, my Gunblade is in my case?" Rinoa stared blankly at Squall. Squall couldn't help but quail at her stare. "_What?_"

"Squall, stop playing innocent and get your horny ass over here…"

"But, I—"

"SQUALL!"

To make a long story short, like a fortune cookie once given to Dave Attel said, "You're hilarious………………………………………………… in bed."

**To be continued**

_________________

I might include some scenes of Squall and Rinoa's 'love-making' in the next chapter, since I can't think of anything amusing to add in a marriage proposal. Until then, be well. 

**-- Bad Wilbur**


	2. Squall is big PIMPin'

Massive A/N  
  
Wow, look at all the nice feedback I got! *giggles* Thanks, thanks. Here, I'll respond to all my wonderful reviewers and add some more input to the whole Squinoa thing... because a story like this is an interactive type of story, y'know? And I love to force my closed-minded-ness even more on the whole Squinoa thing. Heh. :D  
  
Dream Field – Thanks, I've never had anyone say that they've loved me before. I appreciate it. I totally agree with you, which is a promising feeling since I thought no one agreed with me. Eh. Let's just hope that if Squall ever does do anything bad with Rinoa, it would be killing her. Mwahahahaha.  
  
Barr – I'm happy that you liked the actual story and had an open mind about my rants/raves/muses/etc, especially since I sounded somewhat ...stupid in the previous A/N.  
  
Lovely Princess Peach – in real life, neither Selphie or Rinoa would be compatible with Squall. As most of y'all know, the more 'preppy-ish' people normally don't try to socialize with people like Squall or Quistis. That's my .02, though. Well, about ole Rin being a virgin... you bring up a point, since she WAS Seifer's girl for a while.  
  
JJMP – You also bring up another good point too. If FFVIII's disc cover, instruction book, propaganda, etc DIDN'T show those disgusting FMV renders of Rinoa and Squall hugging and the like, I would be utterly surprised about the Squall/Rinoa thing. (And disgusted too... but I already am, so eh)  
  
Sadistic Shadow – I guess Rinoa MIGHT be able to mature. Iono, after all, they're still teenagers. I guess if Rinoa did mature, Squall might have a remotely good reason to be attracted to her, but the thing is, now, Rinoa acts like she's 8, running around, calling everyone meanies. I personally think Selphie's much more mature than her... :\ ... On a completely different note, can you imagine Zell or Selphie 'mature?' Heheheheh.  
  
death muffin – yep. They didn't know how to have sex. Hahaha. Well, they probably do, but I couldn't think of a better parody. About your little anti-exclamation mark protest (wherever that came from), you can encourage people to join you by telling them that they can talk like Fujin! In all caps, y'know? Talking like Fujin is fun. Lots of fun.  
  
Lucy – was that supposed to be a flame? Anyway, thanks for reviewing. I wish everyone who read this would review just like you did if they didn't have anything good to say. It gives me more feedback, y'see...  
  
Verdanii – Amusing? How was it amusing? Was it amusing in an 'ohmigodyou'reanidiot' way? Or in a 'wowyou'reagenius!!!!' way? You know, your little smiley kinda looks somewhat cynical...  
  
Lil-ChiBi-person – great! I always love reading a Quall, but lately, there's been a shortage of them. Can't wait to read yours! :)  
  
Spenga – Errr... wow. You see, those type of comments really willed me to torture everyone with my little fic. Older than him? Anyone familiar with the FFX fanfic fandom knows that Aurikku (Auron/Rikku) is a very popular pairing. Do you know the age gap between those two? Hell, Auron is old enough to be Rikku's dad. And we're actually talking about one year here. Also, how is Quistis annoying? Square examines her personality for less than an hour in the game. Like I've said, she is the most neglected main character Square has made. No one should truthfully hate Quistis because she's annoying because... well, Square didn't push her personality on us... unlike another character that we shall not mention.  
  
And, if any of you were wondering, yes, I wrote Squall's little poem. It was meant to be bad poetry (either way, I'm a horrible poet), because, well, can you imagine Squall writing poetry? Didn't think so. The envelope thing, cafeteria thing, cursive thing, etc were meant to poke fun at their relationship as well. Hell, if you haven't figured out already, this whole fic is a satire. _________________  
  
Squall timidly lay next to Rinoa on the bed. Rinoa, expecting Squall to pounce onto her, waited a couple of moments. When nothing happened, Rinoa took initiative herself.  
  
"Squall," she moaned under her breath. Squall looked her way, forcing his eyes into her own.  
  
"Yes?" Squall squeaked. Instead of answering, Rinoa tugged off his jacket. This made Squall really uncomfortable.  
  
"Uh, Rinoa..." Squall really, really, really, really wanted to call it quits. It wasn't his idea in the first place, anyway. Was it? Squall sighed. "I... Rinoa, I, I, uh, I ... I can take off my clothes by myself." Squall said. Rinoa was taken aback, and edged away from Squall. She still kept her eyes on Squall, studying Squall's clothed body, as if undressing him with her eyes. [A/N: yea, I got that from South Park. Damn, I love that show.] Squall noted her odd behavior, and gulped to himself.  
  
"Squall..." she said under her breath again, huskily. Squall watched Rinoa in concern. "Oh, I get it... you want me to get naked first. To start up your ignition?"  
  
Ignition? What the fuck? Squall nodded dumbly, despite not understanding Rinoa's lingo.  
  
"As you wish, sexy..." Rinoa quickly stripped off her clothes until only her black spandex sportswear was visible. It was obvious Rinoa wasn't wearing any under garments – her nipples poked through the spandex.  
  
Wow. She has bigger nipples than I do, Squall thought to himself. Christ... is there anyway I can have sex with her with my clothes on?  
  
"Squall..." she said again. "Oh, you want me to get you to take off your clothes, huh, my Don Juan?"  
  
"Uh, yea," Squall said, taking any reason to keep his clothes on. At that, Rinoa jumped into his laps, leaned into his neck, put her hand under Squall's wifebeater and started caressing his chest. She came in contact with Squall's nipples and started pinching them.  
  
Agh! That hurts! Damn, well, now that my small nipples are out of the bag, I guess I'll take off my shirt... Squall shooed Rinoa's hand away and took off his shirt.  
  
"That's more like it..." Rinoa breathed. "Now... talk dirty to me..."  
  
Oh shit. How was Squall gonna get out of this one? Squall raked his mind for an excuse, a remark, a something. Or... maybe Squall could try talking dirty with Rinoa.  
  
Luckily, something else popped into his head.  
  
"No, no, Rinoa........................... You talk dirty to me," Squall said. Phew. He saved his ass. Again.  
  
"Okay..." Squall noted hesitation in her voice. ".............................. I imagine us having good sex," she said lamely.  
  
"..." Squall resisted the urge to blurt out a 'whatever.'  
  
This is one of these moments where I can look back at it and think nothing of it, but when I'm living it at the moment, I need to save my ass, Squall counseled himself. .........So, what the fuck am I supposed to do???????  
  
That's when a light bulb appeared outside of his head. He wrapped his arms around Rinoa, hugged her to his chest and gave her an openmouthed kiss, which she accepted warmly.  
  
I'm a genius. A genius! ...Why didn't I think of this earlier? Squall thought as Rinoa moaned into his mouth. ...Now all I have to do is kiss her until she falls asleep. If that doesn't work, I'll pretend to fall asleep... no, wait, that'll offend her, wouldn't it?  
  
During Squall's thought process, Rinoa reached under Squall's pants and grabbed his penis, which abruptly brought him into reality. She started squeezing it. And it hurt. Really badly.  
  
"FUCK! THAT HURTS!" Squall bit her tongue while exclaiming in pain. Rinoa gave him a fixed look.  
  
"What's your problem Squall? Why aren't you hard???!?!?!?" Rinoa yelled back. Squall continued glaring at Rinoa. Damn, 'hard?' 'Hard?' 'HARD?'  
  
"..................... I AM hard!" Squall shot back icily at Rinoa, although he had no idea what 'hard' was supposed to mean.  
  
"I guess you're only three inches when you're 'hard' then, huh?" Rinoa got out of Squall's bed, hastily put her clothes back on, and stormed out of his room, making sure to slam his door loudly.  
  
Squall continued staring at the door Rinoa slammed shut. After regaining his composure, he blinked several times.  
  
"'Hard?'" he said quizzically, repeating the term Rinoa used. "'Three inches?' ..." Squall furrowed his brow. "...I... I..." He paused.  
  
"Hard..." Squall said out loud again after the long pause. As he said the word, he nodded to himself as a semi-smile formed at the base of his mouth. ".........Hard..." _________________  
  
Bwheheheh. I have tons and tons of ideas for this fic. If you wanna give me more inspiration, drop your ideas off in a review. Please and thank you :) 


	3. Night, yoooo

**Another BWAN (which can either stand of 'Bitchingly Wordy Author's Note' OR 'Bad Wilbur's Author Note' … heh… and YES, I thought of that up all by myself.)**

Wow. Even MORE reviews. WOW! Thank you guys so much! And no flames yet – wow!! I love you guys so much! Anyway, since there wasn't any sort of gauntlet thrown down by reviewers or people that have contacted me in other means, I guess I'll just be content in saying you guys kick ass! To my Quall-shipping reviewers – don't worry, we'll somehow popularize Qualls… somehow. ahem Maybe we should start it out by actually writing them.

I just need to comment on Thyamant's second review: I really do need ideas. I don't know how to make this chapter funny, at all. I read through the fic and I still found it just utterly stupid – I'm amazed so many people literally laughed out loud. Well, thanks to those people anyway. :) Again, I love you guys so much!

I'm sorry if this chapter disappoints you. Again, please drop off your ideas in reviews. It's greatly appreciated.

It was 5:13 in the morning. Squall was in his bathroom, with a wooden standard issue Garden ruler. He sat onto the countertop, naked, looking at his reflection awkwardly, and making faces. Then he looked down.

"Penis," Squall said out loud. The word bounced off of the tiled walls, and echoed through his ears. Squall blinked, and then started laughing. For whatever reason, Squall continued saying the word, and following it up with laughter.

Needless to say, the laughter was indeed uncharacteristic laughter coming from Squall Leonhart, although no one knew how he sounded like when he laughed naturally.

Once Squall got back to his senses, he took his ruler and aligned it with his penis. 3.32 inches. Squall continued gaping at his penis, and the prodded it with the end of his finger. What exactly did 'hard' mean?

"Hard," Squall said out loud. "Hard. Harrrrd. Hard." He said again. And again and again.

Somehow, Squall didn't find this funny. Groaning, Squall went outside of the bathroom into his small room. He put on a fresh set of clothes and sat down on his desk to write a couple of words onto a pad of paper. The list consisted of the following words:

_Hard_

_Ignition_

_Don Juan_

_Talking Dirty_

_Three Inches_

Squall read through the list again, muttering each of the words under his breath. Squall could logically connect 3 inches to his penis, but why was it bad? … Were penises supposed to be smaller? Or bigger? And how did Rinoa oh-so accurately estimate that his penis was indeed three inches long? And what did the other words mean? Squall furrowed his brow, and recited the words in his head.

He knew that there was only one way to find out: Irvine.

Squall wasn't stupid enough to realize that he needed to fabricate excuses to prevent any further embarrassment on his part – somehow, he needed to ask Irvine for the definitions without arousing any sort of suspicion. But how? Squall furrowed his brow in thought. Nothing came up.

Or maybe… Squall could blackmail Irvine somehow. How, was the question. Squall's mind quickly bounced onto other possibilities, including asking Zell… or Selphie… or Quistis.

Quistis.

Quistis was the intellect – she knew _everything_. And she was the _urbane_ intellect, which made her the ideal person for Squall to ask about the terms. Squall smiled to himself. Hugging the notepad to himself, Squall dozed off and fell into a light slumber.

Elsewhere in the Garden, Rinoa was weeping. Because Rinoa wasn't an official member of SeeD, Rinoa's room was supposedly and temporarily in the library. However, since it was still night time, all Garden staff refused to let Rinoa in the library – or anywhere, for that matter.

Except for the training center.

As Rinoa wept, she attached her weapon of choice (whatever the hell that thing is) onto her hand and stumbled into the training center. Thinking that she would be able to get a piece of mind in the secret area after all of the 'stress' Squall put her through, Rinoa walked directly into a T-Rexaur mating ritual. She gasped in shock to see so many T-Rexaurs in one place. As two were supposedly 'making love,' at least six others were dancing around the couple, watching them. Rinoa winced. How was she going to get past them? Their ritual was RIGHT IN FRONT of the entrance to the secret area. She sobbed to herself.

"Funny if someone's having a 'ritual' of their own in the secret area, and then when they get out of it, they stumble into a group of horny Rexaurs?"

Rinoa gasped and turned to the voice. It was the Joker – the man that hung around the secret area to sell items for no reason whatsoever. Rinoa glared.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"Watching them have sex." the Joker said, as if it was a no-brainer. "What did you think I was doing?"

Rinoa rolled her eyes. "What-ever." she said in her best 'Squall-voice.' "You are _such_ a perv."

Joker looked somewhat surprised at Rinoa's comment, and shrugged coyly. He then proceeded to watch his feet.

"Rinoa?" It was another familiar voice. She turned, and Quistis Trepe, clad in her SeeD uniform, walked into sight. She was holding her Save the Queen by the handle.

"QUISTY!" Rinoa squeaked. She ran up to her and hugged her tightly. Then she started sobbing into her arm. "QUISTY… SQUALL'S SO MEAN TO ME!" she whined.

Squall. This immediately triggered Quistis' interest. "Squall? How so?"

"I THINK SQUALL'S GAY!!!!" she choked.

Quistis froze. Squall. Gay. Quistis' mind immediately flashed back to all of her endeavors of getting Squall's 'love.' She whimpered. Was it because of her? Was it… was it…? Quistis robotically patted Rinoa on her back. "…Why do you think he's gay?"

"BECAUSE… HE… well, we tried having sex, but he played stupid and pretended he didn't know how to have sex just to avoid sex with… me!!!"

There was a brief pause. Quistis blinked as Joker laughed in the background. "Wait. Rinoa, how do you know that Squall doesn't know how to have sex?"

"What guy doesn't know how to have sex?" Joker answered for Rinoa before she doubled up on even more sobs.

"Touché!" Quistis said enthusiastically, as if Joker and Rinoa were in a classroom with her. Added to that fact that _maybe_ Squall didn't like Rinoa after all.

Rinoa stopped crying. "No… actually, I think he doesn't know how to have sex. Uh, Quistis, could you… could you teach him how to have sex?"

"Excuse me?" Quistis was taken aback to the offer. "Rinoa, I'm really busy… you see those T-Rexaurs there? I need to take them on, to regulate T-Rexaur population… I can't teach Squall how to have—" Then it dawned on Quistis. Rinoa offering her an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to teach _Squall Leonhart_ how to have _sex_. "…Actually… okay, Rinoa, I will. I will. …Then you can, uh, have sex with him afterward. Okay?"

"GREAT!" Rinoa gave Quistis a tight hug and then walked out of the training center. Quistis, laughing to herself, followed suit.

Squall was sitting alone in a cafeteria, and for the first time, eagerly awaiting Quistis' arrival. He purposely sat at one of the two-seated tables, hoping his other friends would leave him alone. Indeed, when Irvine and Selphie looked for a table, they slowly passed Squall's. And that was good, because he surely didn't want both Irvine _and _Selphie to overhear him talking to Quistis.

To Squall's dismay, Quistis walked into the cafeteria with Rinoa. Squall was afraid of how Rinoa would react after their incident. Also to his dismay, Rinoa and Quistis walked toward his table. Fearing for the worst, Squall pretended he didn't see the two, and laid his head down onto the table.

"Squally? SQUALLY!" Rinoa said, shaking him. Squall, who was pretending to be asleep, then pretended to wake up.

"Oh, hi Rinoa," he said innocently. Quistis heartily chuckled.

"Squall… I understand what happened last night, and I'm not mad at you for it. So… I got Quistis to help you learn how to have sex."

"What?" Squall said, in a daze.

"What?" Quistis said simultaneously. She started giggling.

"No!" Squall said, starting to protest. "You can't do this to me!" he roared. A silence dawned over the cafeteria as everyone watched Squall yell. Quistis, noticing this, covered her face with her hands.

"YES I CAN! I'M YOUR GIRLFIREND, SQUALL!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO CONTROL MY LIFE, RINOA HEARTILLY!"

Wide-eyed, Quistis looked up at the couple. They were oblivious to everything else in the cafeteria.

"Well, SOMEONE'S GOTTA TEACH A HAIRBAG LIKE YOURSELF HOW TO HAVE SEX! YOU'RE 18, FOR CHRISSAKES!!!"

Squall didn't know how to counter Rinoa's rebuttal, so he merely glared at her. Rinoa faltered at his glare, and then casually looked elsewhere.

Scores of faces looked back right at her. She gasped. Squall then craned his head slightly, to the cafeteria tables. He didn't gasp, but his sense of pride died right there.

The lunch bell conveniently rang in the middle of the stilted silence, and chatter immediately followed afterwards. Although the couple were numb to the waist down, they could obviously hear their names amidst the chatter. Quistis, seeing that both Squall and Rinoa were faced away from her, took the chance and sprinted toward the back exit of the cafeteria.

Smiling to herself, she shook her head. _How cute_, she thought to herself. Once Quistis reached the exit, and made sure that the door was safely closed behind her, she looked toward the sky, and tried to imagine the two as an old couple.

She couldn't.

I know what you're thinking, 'That wasn't funny.' I just thought this would open up some new possibilities for this story to actually become funnier.

And note, as much as I hate Squinoas, this will remain a Squinoa 'til the bitter end. Bastardizing and torturing relationships like this is fun.

I love Quistis, but be prepared for some Quistis bashing… or not. It depends on whether you guys give me better ideas… hint.


	4. Beginning of many many endings

**BWAN (10-22-05):** holy shit guys, it's been like… what, more than a year since the last update? Yep. I've made a cryptic return to fanfiction, and the first thing I decide to do is update one of the most trite fics, not only in the history of my cough "ouevre", but the history of fanfiction. Counting all those obscure AU Kingdom Hearts Squffie fics by stupid authors that get way too many reviews! Or maybe that section has improved since the last time I've decided to read out of it? I don't know really, because I haven't been up to date with fanfiction at all – which might not be a terribly good thing, because contrary to my former beliefs, Marigold Futura is NOT dead and is in fact 'updating' her fic. And I haven't read her latest chapter.

Hopefully this chapter will be, uh, up to 'par' with all the others. Although I have been rather idle in fanfiction, I have been honing the aesthetic subtleties of sexual innuendo over the past year or so. Enjoy.

Okay – one more thing before I continue on. I have grown out of video games. The most recent video game I bought was FFX-2 about two years ago. The only reason I touch my PS2 is to either watch punk rock DVDs, Amelie (the movie), or (in rarer instances) to play blitzball. So, if I miss some of the more polished points of FFVIII minutiae, forgive me.

A rather loud game of telephone ensued after students burst through the cafeteria doors. Rumors upon rumors spread even amongst people that were present. Arguments broke out, and people were getting charismatic about it enough to arm wrestle over new gossip. The gossip circles of freshmen girls formulated everywhere, tightly knit into raspy, harsh whispers.

There was a prominent gossip circle that wasn't discussing Squall and Rinoa, however. They, in fact, were sitting quietly next to each other, oblivious, in the library. There were three of them, huddled over their portion of their desks, scribbling.

"Sam! Sam!" a girl squealed. She was wearing horn-rimmed glasses, and had her greasy hair tied into pigtails. "Look!" She held up a piece of paper.

A dark boy, on the chubby side, turned quickly at the paper and gaped. He chuckled lightly to himself.

"Whoa, Leslie, that's a great sketch of Q-Qweh-Quistis!" he stammered over Quistis' name. Once he hammered her name down, he immediately started blushing, hard. "Argf," he tried to say something, but his throat was closing up. He was gagging.

"Oh no, I think Sam's going through his upper body lapse," squeaked the other boy. He had a helmet of blonde hair and a rather pale complexion. He didn't sound too worried.

"I… I'm sorry. She's just so… perfect." Sam gathered enough courage to peer sheepishly back at the sketch Leslie made – of Quistis in a rather seductive battle pose. The other two watched the sketch with him. "You know what? Any guy would be lucky to have her, that's what!"

"… Yeah… I think I would marry her too…" Leslie said in a rather high, yet fast voice.

"Yopu're _gay_!" Sam roared incredulously.

"Why are you surprised?" the other boy said.

"What's that supposed to mean, Ron?" Leslie glared.

"Hey, I don't blame you, okay? If I were a girl, I'd fantasize about having hott (_AN: count them, TWO "Ts"!_) lesbian sex with Quistis too!" Ron said in a grotesque form of triumph.

Leslie and Sam both gave Ron an uncomfortable glance.

"What?"

"…So… is it obvious that I'm… gay?"

"DUH!" another voice rang out from the entrance of the library. It was a girl with beach blonde highlights over her hair that was already blonde. Her voice had a valley-edge. "All Trepies are gay! Even the male ones! I mean, Quistis is a nerd and her face totally looks like a block of wood! She totally needs to get laid! Heck, all of her little smarty-pants friends need to get laid!"

"… What?" Leslie said in an icily disgusting voice.

"Oh, _of course_," she rolled her eyes. "I should know that the Trepies are just… so totally out of touch. And you didn't hear about Squall Leonhart. Him, and Rinoa."

"Frankly, we don't care," Leslie remarked glumly.

"Even worse!" the girl gasped.

"Oh… just… shut up. This _is_ a library," Sam retorted.

"Oh. Well, you're right, I don't know why I'm hanging out here when news of Squall Leonhart losing his virginity to an artificially inseminated pregnant dog could be breaking out any second. Ta!" And with that, she left.

Leslie snorted.

"Looks like some people are just really, _really _desperate," Ron said.

"No shit."

Quistis was inside her dormitory, contemplating about Squall the way she usually did. This time, she was asking herself the difficult question of whether or not she could actually get away with having sex with Squall. And stealing his virginity from not only Rinoa, but also himself. The thought just made Quistis smile venomously.

And she was serious when she said, "I should give it some time" out loud.

Just then, there was a sharp knock at her door.

_Oh, fuck!_

Before she got up, the knocking continued, in a much more abrupt fashion.

"I'm coming!"

More repeated knocking.

Quistis opened her door, and a rather cheery looking Selphie was looking into her face.

"Hi!"

"Hey…"

"Well, I heard—"

"_Yes_, I know… everyone must have by now, huh?"

"No, no, you see, Squall told me that you were going to teach him how to have sex…"

"Wait. _What?_"

"… So I thought – hey, why don't I help Quisty help a friend in need?"

"What?" Quistis sounded flabbergasted. "But Selphie, Selphie. … Selphie… you've had sex?" her voice ended rather coolly.

"Oh, Quisty," Selphie was blushing. "Let's not talk about it."

"Wait! Who?"

"Quisty!"

"Irvine?"

"QUISTY!"

"Oh… gross."

Selphie pouted. "Quisty!"

"Who else?"

"No one!"

"Seifer?"

"… Wait, how'd you know that."

Quistis shrugged. "I just guessed." She pensively looked off to the distance to process all of this new information. And then her curiosity evoked the best out of her. "Do you use that ridiculous pet name, 'Irvy,' while you have sex wi—"

"QUISTY! SHUT UP!"

Squall was in his room. He started talking to his wall.

"What do they know? I don't know how to have sex? God almighty, I'm a grown man. If I know how to save the whole world, then surely I know how to have sex, right? Isn't it just an instinctive thing?"

He looked down…

"Pee… pee-nis. Penis."

… And smiled.

"Right. I just need to loosen my nerves when the situation comes to me. I don't need lessons from Quistis. I'll show her that I can have sex! … Among other things."

"So, I was thinking that for lesson plans, we'll need to take it step by step," Selphie said. She was sprawled on Quistis' bed, having already made herself rather comfortable. Quistis was sitting tensely at her desk.

"Er, yeah. I was thinking—"

"Maybe we should read erotica to him and see if he gets stimulated. You know, he might be impotent."

Quistis blinked. "Uh… what?"

"And if that doesn't work, I have some gay erotica. Seifer hid a stash in my room," she said casually as she buried herself in Quistis' blankets. Quistis could clearly see her period stains on the blanket, and internally conflicted with herself over the matter. Should she just pretend that everything is okay, or scream, take back her blankets, and then join the circus?

"…Interesting…" she said after an awkward silence.

"Before we try to scientifically explain it, I think we need to introduce certain things to him…" Selphie chuckled shrilly. "EEEEEE, Quisty, let's go teach Squall his first lesson now!"

_FUCK!_ She thought in her head. _More competition!_ Whatever were Selphie's motives, Quistis didn't expect anyone to willingly embrace the prospect of teaching Squall sex. She was jealous.

Squall was attempting to comb his pubic hairs straight when there was a knock at the door. Squall jumped at the knock, and nimbly yet clumsily started pulling on his clothing.

"FUCK, I'm coming, okay?" Squall said agitatedly.

"SQUALL!" It was Selphie. Squall rolled his eyes. "Hurry up, it's important!"

"Whatever…" he said as he opened the door. Sure enough, Selphie was at the door. Quistis was standing cautiously to the side, avoiding eye contact.

"Squally!" Selphie gave Squall a hug. "We're going to have our first lesson, now!"

"Oh! Great…" Squall let Selphie hug him as he watched students walk behind Quistis, for the opportunity to leer at them. He rolled his eyes again. Squall was excited, although he still had a sinking feel of dread in his stomach. He didn't know what they were going to do. He looked back at Quistis. Her arms were folded, and she was drumming her fingers against her arms. Her eyes were fixed on a crack in the cement. "… Yeah, so what are we doing exactly!"

Selphie let go and gave Squall a perplexing look. "Haha! You're so silly… we're gonna learn how to have sex!" Selphie answered rather loudly, loud enough to attract gazes from people passing. "Come on, let's get in the car!" And with that, Selphie excitedly rushed the two to the garage amidst a sea of stares.

Yeah, cliffhanger… so what will Squall's first sex lesson like? Where is Rinoa in this?

Are you bored? Get into indie rock. Or Kanye West! Life, man. Life. Sijsufijf. Okay, since I can't find someone I can fully confide with, I will confide with you. I am female. And the only huge huge crush I've ever had was on this other girl, and she gets fucking annoying, she's insecure as fuck (which contributes to how annoying I see her as), annnnnd… she would never ever like me. My friends are always like "omg who do you like?" and … why don't I tell them? Cuz when they ask, they're always "who is HE HE HE" (as in being male, not laughing) so. Yeah. And it's not like I think I'm a lesbian or whatever, but you know – people just love love love generalizing, you know? And I trust my friends – it's just that I think that they'd disown me. Or something. Yeah. Oh yeah, I also have a crush on my chemistry teacher who is 50. Score… I suck at life.

Well, yeah. I'll update soon, most likely. No promises though.


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